Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Muse Replacement Therapy

March 23, 2010

Dear Muse,

Where the fuck have you been? Do you realize that I’m flopping around like a fish in the wind? Fish on land? Leaf in the wind? And any other metaphor I can mix? I have deadlines. Everyone has deadlines. That means you have deadlines, too, so quit calling in “bored”, it’s not a legitimate excuse. Besides, if you’re bored, you could spice things up a bit and I DO NOT MEAN WRITING THE MUSICAL SONETS INVOLVING THE LOVE LIFE OF A BOX TURTLE SHIFTER AND AN ANCIENT VAMPIRE. While I’m sure there IS a market—as you keep insisting—it’s not through me. Yes, turtle skin is tough and therefore more likely to put off a fangy attack from a would-be suitor before he knows he’s a would-be. I get that. But (tapping my watch) can we move on to things I’m actually contracted for?

Listen, you and I have been a little off lately. I don’t like to dance. You don’t like my singing. If there were a way to trade in muses, I would so do it. Mostly because you asked me to and only a tiny bit because I think you suck as a motivational speaker. Plus I really hate your glitter fetish. It gets on everything and no, it doesn’t make my computer look better.

I really think we need to go our separate ways. In fact, if you want, my next letter can be a break-up letter. Say…does your older brother still work out a bunch? He had some pretty spectacular abs and I would find that VERY inspiring. You should ask him to come over for the auditions because if he has the right, erm, equipment, we could work very well together. Have him bring chocolate and some message oil. I’ll explain it when he gets here. Just think, he could totally get you off the hook! Hey! I really think this could work out for both of us. I’m so glad you thought of it, you clever, clever Muse. You do your job so well that it has totally inspired me to find new ways of getting rid of you and being reassigned to your stud-tastic brother. He’s single right?

Okay, so you get on that and I’ll release you from your “boring” contract. You’ll totally have one over on him for all the times he teased you as a young Muse-let. That’s right! Tell him it’s a great gig so that he signs up with me and you get to snicker as he gets bored out of his mind. That makes you happy, doesn’t it? Yeah, I know. He’ll just hate me. Hurry up and send him over. Hurry! The faster you get him here, the faster I’m done with you…erm, I mean, YOU’RE done with ME. Yeah, that.

Love you, too—in that can’tstandyou kind of way. Hugs!!!


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